Another readers letter..

.. but not one of my readers. I'm very glad I wasn't the initial recipient of this letter. Its quite long, but trust me. lolGOLD.

"When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my shit to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.

I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her ass (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you go in my mouth." I fuckin' love women.

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my cock out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my ass.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.

I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL shit, all over her parents comforter.


No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest shit and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.

And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.

I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin.

I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my shit had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I grab my shit with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest shit of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a shit and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY SHITT!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I shit on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me."

Been a while since I laughed that hard. Hope you all enjoyed that as much as I did.

Shit the bed.

No I'm not going to fucking explain why I havent posted for ages. Mind yer own bastard business.

I'm 27 on monday so get me a present.

Ummm. I have a girlfriend, she's really awesome but I'm keeping her to myself for now, not sharing her with you lot just yet.

I went to Alton Towers during my week off. OH YEAH BTW I had a week off?

Alton Towers was mint - stayed in York with Benji for a few days before and after. Always love going up there.

Jenks and Dan are moving back locally - ish. Gonna be good to have all my close mates within driving distance again!! Cant wait! Jenks is moving to near Cambridge - so looking forward to some early doors lash there.

I went to see Inglorious Basterds, was bloody brilliant. Literally - bloody.


Best Tarantino film I've seen since Pulp I'd say. Pulp, Dogs and this are the best. Awesome stuff.

Hopefully gonna catch the new Final Destination flick this weekend. Then District 9 sometime the week after. Watch them.

I've started to follow another blog aswell. Its good and funny. I say Hi to the writer of it now. Hi (",)

laterz

the power of dreams...

Thats Honda's main tag line, and surprisingly I didn't see it hardly anywhere down at the Honda Institute today, where me and a few work PALS attended the 'Summer Inspiration' course.

Calum had pre warned me last night that he doubted his ability to wake up at 5am in time to get ready and pick me up for 6am, based on the fact he was half way through getting shit faced in G town.

So, the good friend I am, set my alarm half hour early to make sure I would be up early enough to give C to the V a wake up call.

5am comes around, so I decided to drop in a text. 20 mins later and no reply. I call him and no answer. I start making plans to just go without him, but he finally makes contact... blaming his non answering on taking a dump and ironing his shirt. Which is obviously bullshit cos no one ever irons stuff while having a poo?

The journey down there had 1 eventful occurance, some dude in a beat up old car going at it hammer n balls in the fast lane... and as he passed our vehicle, something in the engine blew and half of it came out through the back of the car, and with some technical driving brilliance from the Venn, he didn't hit anything.

But we did laugh and point at the bellend in the broken car as we went past him.

The Institue is just south of Slough, West London. It feels like its in the middle of nowhere on a dirty scrutty industrial estate, but it is infact just a stones throw away from the M25.

The individual classes we took were all ok I suppose, learnt a few bits here and there.

Catering was unusually appauling though, with crappy child portion size rolls and cheese and biscuits for LUNCH. They normally do hot food. Gutted.

We made up for it though by having a BK on the way back. Just so shit that the whole day has been so long. Literally got home at about 7.45pm. Its a fooking long day with 5hours + of driving AND trying to take in 5 hours of lectures.

On a movie note - everyone should go check out the film 'MOON' this weekend. It stars Sam Rockwell, playing a guy who mans a space station on the moon, and weird things start to happen!!! OOOH. OH and Kevn Spacey voices the A.I. Computer that helps the main character run the station.

part two.. edinburgh..

6 fucking months and it was finally the day we were going to Edinburgh.

Feeling pretty impressed with myself that I remembered to drink 65 gallons of water b4 I went sleep, my hangover was pretty much non existent from the night before.

After waiting for Dan to get his ass into gear, we set off about 8.30am.

The M6 was pretty much fine all the way up. There's plenty to look at pretty much the whole way, The Lakes on your left, Penines on your right. Then when your into Scotland, its just breath taking.










We got into the city just gone midday, found some parking and went to a spot where we could meet Jenks. He showed up about 1 ish, hanging from the night before. We rolled into a really nice place called 'All Bar One' on George Street. We all had a burger of some sort which was lush.
Next, we grabbed the keys to our apartments and parked up nearby.



The apartments were smallish, like premium student accomadation size, all mod cons etc. Really nice balcony and easy access to next door with a hop over the rails.


Only 1 problem, the bastards had not cleaned mine and Tony's room. Nor was there any fresh linen or towels. Gutted.

I soon phoned them up and they said they'd have people over in no time.


Jenks was nice enough to throw us their small hand towels incase we wanted to start getting ready. He's a pilot by the way. And a bellend.



Now, unfortunately, Tony decided that he didn't want to wait for the cleaners to arrive, and just got in the shower anyway, knowing full well he only had the hand towel to dry himself off.


Now, the most disturbing thing about this picture ISN'T the fact that Tony has his ass out, NOR IS IT that I have taken a picture of it.



The most disturbing thing is that, to put the photo on here and not cause a stir, I had to PHOTOSHOP out his johnson.


I stayed patient and waited until the apartment staff brought fresh linen round. We all got ready, had a very brief meeting on the balcony and set off into town.








We went to a LOT of bars. I was supposed to be taking photos of every bar we went in, but I took fuck all of any. Jenks ended up with the most expensive round of the night, coming to just under 30 notes for 4 drinks.

To be fair, they were cocktails, and there was a LOT of alcohol in them.

Edinburgh is fucking gorgeous. Its so strange being in a city, then all of a sudden there's this massive castle up high towering above you.

But, fuck me is it hilly. I had heard from the likes of Lee Evans that the place was hill crazy. There are a lot of steps and steep alleyways all over the place.

At one point, we needed to get to this low level street, and we found this crazy spiral stair case to get there. Sneath leaped onto the stair well at full running speed, followed by the rest of us.
We thought it would only be a couple of flights to navigate, and Jenks started howling out at the top of his voice the Hawaii 5-O theme tune.

We must of nearly all broke our legs multiple times, and we just kept going and going, the stairs were fucking never ending!

Jenks finished the whole song and started again before we got to the bottom. The thing I found most hilarious is that this whole stair well had windows, and the bellowing noise coming from Jenks and dispersed out into the streets below, and once at the bottom of the stair well, we were greeted with a good 20-25 people who had stopped, wondering WHAT THE FUCK was coming down these stairs.

One awesome bar we found ourselves in was a proper old traditional Scottish pub, I think it was called the 'Scotsmans Lounge'. They had a scottish guitar/violin duo band playing live which were really really good. We ended up getting 3 of their CD's as we thought it would be a good reminder of our weekend, and something to listen to on the way home.

Not exactly sure if my order of bars attended is correct, but next we found ourselves in a pretty cool Sports bar that had a Playstation 2 on EVERY table in there, with fifa and the likes set up ready to play instantly.

This is where I finally found the drink I had been told to find and try out, called Baby Guiness. Its actually really nice, a shot of black sambucca topped with baileys. The baileys floats on top so the small shot actually looks like a little glass of guiness.

As the shots were out, I decided that now would be the most appropriate time to crack out our toilet game. And yes, this time we have photo evidence. Cover your eyes if you are easily offended!



Yup, there's some ass right there. I didn't notice til the morning after that Jenks is indeed blatantly gorking at Tonys jewells.


Here is Jenks, during an invasion of a Hen party. Stole the bride to be's tiara thingy and leg thingy. Thingy thingies.




I caught him dancing on a table aswell, all part of a dare. By the time I stopped laughing and got my camera out it was too late. SADFACE.

It was starting to get pretty late now, and we found ourselves at a club that we had managed to get into as VIPs. However, it turned out to just be a con, as the place was pretty much empty, and the VIP bar we got access to was more expenive than the other bars? GAY.
Turns out this weekend was also Tea in the Park, so this was the reason why all the clubs were a little quieter than usual.

We decided to call it a night and head back. Got ourselves a bit of food and walked the short distance. It had been a great night.


Ah yes. Another Jenkins special. Any lift we get in, he presses every fucking button. A 20 second lift ride turns into a 15 minute beat the shit out of a pilot game.


Tony was acting scared that I was gonna keep touching him all night as we were sharing a bed.

"calm down, lets not turn this rape into a murder."

He had nothing to worry about, I had my trusty sleeping bag to prevent any skin contact.

I knew next door Dan and Jenks had a trusty proven Erection Barrier set up in place. For those who dont know, this is a duvet/pillow arrangement down the centre of the bed to prevent accidental genital touching of any kind.


This was the scene when I ninja'd over the balcony rails and sneaked in through the balcony door. Dan later revealed that he had renamed the anti erection barrier that night, to the:

Anti -Stop fucking hugging me - barrier.
lol


I made a lot of noise and got the V's flicked at me once or twice, but about 8.15 is we were all up and sat having black tea / coffee in Dan and Jenks' room. We rofl'd at all the pictures we had taken of the previous 2 nites.

This is one of the parts of our weekend that I love, just relaxing and remenissing of the events unfolded.

We rocked into town about 10am and found a place called 'The Filling Station' that did traditional Scottish and English breakfasts. It was immense. By the time we had finished, it was pushing 11.30 am. Tony and I were still facing a good 6 hour drive back home, with a stop off in Liverpool en route to bin Dan.

We decided to call it and we headed our seperate ways. I took loads of photos on the way back as Dan and Tony had taken on the initial 4 hour trek to Liverpool as named drivers, and I would pilot the last stage back to Melton.




Dan has a few photos aswell but you will be able to catch them and more of mine on facebook.

It was a fantastic weekend. Was sooo funny, and I loved spending every minute with you guys. I don't want to have to wait that long again for it.

EDINBURGH: DONE

part one.. just a quiet one? sure

Wow, so much to tell you about. Splitting this into 2 parts for you to digest easier.

In the next few paragraphs, I'm going to try and explain how I went from "Ok, so, Curry, then a couple of beers and up early for edinburgh"... to being propositioned by a prostitute at 2am.

So, Tony finished work earlier than anticipated, and we agreed to blast off at 2pm. The journey up there was pretty uneventful, just mainly me giving Tony some belly laughs at my recent failings with women.

The M6 turned into a bitch on the last stretch with paranoid cock ends braking for no reason and causing everyone else to brake and slow the whole motorway down. But all in all, we didnt do too bad and got there in about 2 and a half hours.

Dan rustled up a nice Chicken Balti + Naan for us all which was awesome, even if I dropped most down my fucking white top. Best of all though was the bottle of Lambrini he had got in. Legendary.

Now all you tossers saying 'Oooh lambrini girls are we?' Well let me remind you, the slogan goes 'Lambrini girls just wanna have fun'. YES it does say girls. But 'Lambrini guys just wanna get shitfaced quick at home'.

Tony was well up for a strong night out, but after I reminded him of the intended plan of leaving early doors saturday to get to Edinburgh, we quickly realised that it would be better to stay in or just take it easy.

Fast forward 2 hours and we're completly shit faced in an 80s bar. That went well then.

Before this, we did actually manage a couple of hours of responsible drinking, went to a few bars in the centre and then headed down to the gorgeous and trendy Albert Docks. This is a picture of the entrance I took 7 months ago on New Years Eve.


After being in a few places, it became quite clear that we were going to stay on it and get smashed.

There were a lot girls out who were ridiculously covered in fake tan. It was outrageous. However, I landed myself in it with this the first of many great quotes of the weekend:

Me - Shit me, talk about going overboard with fake tan?
Tony - Mate shes half cast?

So, as usual when we are blazing, we decided to find somewhere to have a dance. We are massive fans of Reflex bars, so when we were walking down a street and a girl pounced on us telling us the bar she worked for was having a special offer on drinks AND it was 80's themed, we bowled in.




Buy 1 get one free on VK's was the offer, so we got quite a few of them in.




We must of been one of the youngest groups in there. The place was mainly full of the older generation. At first we were a bit worried but it was blantantly obvious we were the best looking bastards there. So we stayed. LOL



I had this idea when I took a pervy voyer shot of this ridiculous womans crotch. Judge me if you want, I did it cos its fucking funny.





Oh yes, the classic dance moves were there. Bad spins, leeshes, mardy dancing and even a new move called the butterfly net that I came up with.



We also tried to Photo bomb a big group of girls. They were a bright bunch and one of them saw me trying to ninja around the back of them to get into a massive group shot. But it was too late. The flash went off and I was perched in the back, hands raised in the air and tongue hanging out.
By the time she could try and have a go at me, I had disappeared into the Mens room laughing my ass off.

(Which by the way... freaked the fuck out of the guys who were already in the toilets. I was so shitfaced and it was such a good photo bomb, I just couldnt stop laughing. All the way during my piss, to the sink and back out again. Fuck knows what they thought of me LOL)

It was getting a bit late now and we decided to call it a night and go grab some food. Of all places, we ended up at a McDonalds.

Blinded by absolute fucking fury at the LIMITED MENU due to the post midnight visit, I ended up last to order and stuck with a cold big mac, that had been cooked by Captain Cockend.

During this time, Tony and Dan had somehow got riddled into a conversation with 3 retarded women, barely able to stand let alone talk sense. Fascinated by the fact that Dan's job title of 'Ambulance Technician' didn't mean he fixed computers, they asked him about what he usually does...

Drunk girl 1 "So you save peoples lives then?"
Dan "Umm sometimes, I do all sorts, deliver babies..."
Drunk girl 2 Interupts "OMG you deliver babies?"
Dan "Yeah but not very often..."
Drunk girl 1 "So what do you mostly do then?"
Dan "Pretty much going around picking up drunk women"
Me "Bit like now.."
Tony "LOL"

So, after we managed to fuck them off, we realised we had the 1.2 mile bastard up hill walk home of death. Intent of not being pussys and getting a taxi, we walk on.

After having a weird confrontation with some woman who to me looked completely off her tits on drugs, I was informed that I had just been offered sex by a prostitute.

The garbled mumblings of said crack head was in fact, as heard by Dan and Tony was "you want some sex?"

I had no idea what she was saying and just kept saying "EH? what? HUH?" but she soon lost interest.

So, we eventually got back, just after 2am I think. It had been a great night, completely unexpected.

Me and Tony crashed in the living room on respective spare mantress and sofa. I remember thinking that I was gonna struggle getting up in the morning. Then I got a facebook wall comment from Jenks up in North scotland, lashed off his tits saying he ought really go bed, with it being 4.50 am.

My last thoughts before catching some winks : ROLL ON EDINBURGH!













To be fucking continued...

and here we....go

Stop what your doing. This is important.

Its the weekend. We are about to LASH on.

In just a few hours, it begins.

The MOTHER of all weekends.

The Father of all pissups.

The sister of all things incest.

The brothers come back together for the first time in nearly 6 months.

Its gonna be big.

Its gonna be funny.

And its going to be fucking clever.

Right, enough statements. Today has already been pretty fucking funny. I got dragged into a meeting for work at Birstall Golf Course. A breakfast meeting to go through this quaters targets and incentives.

Breakfast was on the house for all who attended. Boss Richard was on scarily witty form for the time of day. Bens chair collapsed from underneath him just as he had finished eating. LOL

The journey back to Melton was equally funny with things being thrown out the window and me and Calum having a pretend fight in the front seats with Ben laughing in the car behind. good times.

I might post more later once we are in the Pool, but depends on what we get up to. If not, I'll have a full account posted up by Monday evening.

Fuck the lot of you.

PS Hi Lyndsey :)

I love it when a plan comes together

Don't you? Was talking with Benjamin this morning. I had a massive thought orgasm on the way to work with something I could do on here.

The idea is to make a video about dating tips. Knowing my luck with women, it could in fact be brilliant. In a completely useless way.

I do love making short movies and I have a back catalogue of stuff on a computer somewhere that I might dig up and show you all one day. I'm jotting down ideas as I type this about what sort of content to include on this video.

I'm posting a blog about it as I'd like some input, pref by email rather than the comments section as to keep things a surprise until the video is ready.

ALSO check out the new movie 'District 9'. Its out end of august / early september. It looks the SHIT. That means its gonna be good. Shit = bad, but THE SHIT = great.

topless tuesday

Indeed. Its the law I'm afraid ladies. Moses says so.

Anyways, todays blog is some background info for you all regards the 'Booze Crew'. BTW on a side note, I'm feeling I need a better name for us than Booze Crew. It just doesn't slide off the tongue well. I've just come up with Beer Bandits. Thats a bit better. SUGGESTIONS PLEASE.

The contenders:

Tony. My cousin. He's wearing an afro for fucks sake.

Dan. One of my oldest friends. As in, known him a while. He's not like...65 years old. This is the best pic I have of him.

Jenks. He's a fucking pilot. Show some respect.

Me. I own this mother fucker.

So, the booze crew officially started I'd say back in November 2005 when 4 close friends decided our home town wasn't the centre of the fucking universe.

The plan was to visit and appreciate awesome uk towns and cities, then get shit faced in them and stop the night. Between the four of us we have so far conquered Birmingham (3 times no less), York, Sheffield, Leeds, Newquay and Liverpool.

This weekend see's the turn of Edinburgh. Its going to be our biggest effort yet - including a quick speed binge in Liverpool on the way up.

Its a round trip of approximately 700 miles for myself and Tony. Dan is currently in Liverpool, making sure we have something to drink on Friday night, and pre ordering the dirtiest curry possible.

Jenks is at his RAF base 3 hours north of edinburgh, knocking one out in anticipation of sharing a bed with one of us fine gents. JUSTICE!

Accomodation is booked. Thanks to said pilot, he's managed to find us a sweet digs in the form of a couple of apartments. Apartments ARE THE WAY FORWARD.

Reason being, the first few times we did this, we got regular hotel rooms. These are fine if you are on a speed binge, but when you have a bit of time to spare, getting an apartment means you can all stay together, and enjoy the whole weekend as a group rather than splitting off to your own rooms. You can chill out in the living room and watch tv, have a few beers. Maybe even throw something at Jenks when he bursts in completely fucking naked as usual.

I seriously CANNOT fucking wait. Friday afternoon will see myself and Tony cruise to Dans place, then onwards to the burgh early saturday morning. Not looking forward to the drive back sunday, but Dan has been kind enough to take some driving hours off me.

I haven't received any more letters yet, so NO readers letters section today. Unless I get anything later.

Also, can you start leaving some fucking comments? Its not hard is it? I know people are reading it cos my view counter is going up. You bunch of bellends.