Saturday, 29 October 2011

Drink. Stare. Laugh.

Yep, that is the way it goes. On a lads night out - we follow this proven 'Circle of Lash'

Definitely for the sobre part of any night I reckon. Up until about the 4th or 5th drink. Us guys stand in a circle, usually in exactly the same stance.

Left hand goes into the left pocket (You can also just tuck your thumb into the pocket, that is also accepted).

Right hand holds the Bottle/Can/Glass. At any height between the chest or just above the waist. Unless Tony is pulling a Posemaster pose, and has an empty glass upside down above his head.

Once you are into this traditional position, it can start from any of the above 3 options. But once it has started, its pretty much guaranteed to go in order from that point. For arguments sake (Which is my way of saying I can't be arsed to go through them all) lets say we start with 'Drink'.

So, chances are that when you are in a group of lads, when one drinks, the rest drink. When we go out, we do tend to buy in rounds, and we usually do buyers choice. So most of the time we all have the same beverage.  Unless we are on Lager. As Jenks likes to drink Bitter. Apparently it goes down better. Shame he doesn't. So I've heard. Or should I say so Dans heard. Or should I say, so Tony's seen.  So they say.

So, after the Drink part, we move onto 'Stare'. Again, usually, we will all stare at the same thing, or all stare at something different. Maybe the skin head who's just walked in with his striped polo neck shirt, walking like they've shat themselves. We could be all looking at the slightly overweight girl hanging off the pole on the dance floor, wondering which is gonna give way first - her hand, or the ceiling.  Maybe me and Dan have seen a ridiculously fit girl walk in, and we both stare blatantly until she looks at us, at which point we both wince and pretend to feel sick - just to properly ruin her night. 

To go off slightly on a side note - this is one of my favourite things to do. Ruin womens' nights. This tends to happen after I've had a few beers - but I love telling women they have shit hair, or they look like they got dressed in the dark. Its great fun, but risky.

Anyways, so we've all stared for approx 5-20 seconds. Usually at this point, we all realise what everyone else is looking at, so then comes the 'Laugh' part.

This part can also include some talking. However - I'm sure you've all been in the same position I have. You are in a bar/club, talking to someone you know - or just met. They are in full blown conversation with you. They are properly into it - and you are stood there nodding along, or agreeing. I say this - cos as I'm sure you all know - I'm usually standing there with no fucking idea what so ever, what they are talking about.

Its too fucking loud in there. So its easier to just nod and agree, than to ask them to consistently lean in 6mm from your Ear drum to try and get you to understand some stupid insignificant piece of information no one gives a shit about anyway.  
There's just no point. I've had to say to people that I didn't hear them, and they've leaned in close like 4 or 5 times. I can't ask again, because I've not been diagnosed with retardation and I'm not gonna have anyone else admit me. So after a while I just pretend I understand. If I say something that doesn't make sense to what they asked - you can easily just fuck off to the toilet and by the time you are done, the conversation has moved on.

So there we have it. Drink - Stare - Laugh.

Next time you are on a night out - if you haven't noticed it before, you will now. Its Science.

Wednesday, 26 October 2011


..out of my arse. Oh my days.

I said a few blogs ago that there was a big lash up happening last night. Jesus, did it live up to expectations.
As far as Melton Mowbray goes - the night life is pretty shite to be honest. You really have to be in good company to have a decent night. And that's never a problem when the lash club are in town.

Sooooo much alcohol consumed. Jenks took a photo of his penis. We danced like champions.

We laughed at the picture I took of myself from earlier that day:

We even went to Tubes, the local nightclub. I just did a quick google search to try and get some pictures of the place so you know what I'm talking about. But it seems that no photos exist.
We danced in there as well. This time, not quite like champions. It makes me laugh when I think about it. I can picture it in my head, all 4 of us there in a huddle trying to dance seriously.

My next blog is going to be an insight of the male psyche when in a bar/club. It seems us chaps follow a set pattern when in the vicinity or booze/women.

All will be revealed, when staying drunk returns.

 Look behind you.

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Paranormal Gripes

So we went to check out Paranormal Activity 3 last night. Been looking forward to it a lot, loved the first 2.

The 3rd is good too. I was genuinely cowering at the screen as I'm a proper wuss when things make me jump. I liked the addition of the 'moving' camera mounted on the fan. Added some nice tension in certain scenes.

The ending didn't exactly scar me for life - like the trailers suggested. And here lies my problem. The Trailer.

These films are based on the idea of 'Found Footage'. The idea is to hint that it really happened. Now tell me if I'm wrong, but if you show a scene in a trailer, then in the movie, the scene is different - then surely that ruins the film? It immediately ruins any suspension of disbelief.

I know the idea will be to release an 'extended' cut of the film, for either re-release or the DVD release. I don't mind extended cuts - more footage. But whats the point of doing 'alternate endings' for these 'found footage' movies? Completely pointless!

So, to some up... if you are like me, a self confessed bell end... go and see it, but be prepared to have a few gripes.

Sunday, 23 October 2011

Your Fucking Welcome


Didn't want to post a second blog, but just wanted y'all to know...

If you are looking for a reason to go to a IMAX cinema screen instead of your regular screen... now is the time. Well I say now, I mean in a month or two.

The new Mission Impossible film showing at IMAX screens are going to have a 6 MINUTE DARK KNIGHT RISES TEASER TRAILER playing in front of it. 6 Minutes. Only at IMAX. Oh Baby.

So yeah. I can't take credit for it - but this morning I discovered on another site quite simply a fantastic looking movie trailer. Very excited.

So yeah, its a found footage movie. These kinda films do have their drawbacks - would the camera guy reallllllly keep filming in these situations? I dunno. But I've liked most of the offerings so far. Blair Witch, Rec, Paranormal Series, Cloverfield, Troll Hunter etc etc.

Its Sunday and I'm working later. Which I think is a criminal offence. Lock me up.

Saturday, 22 October 2011

I want I want I want

Battlefield 3 please:

And I wanna see:

I also wanna see Tin Tin and Real Steel. Too much to see and do.

Its Saturday night baby and yeah you guessed it, I'm getting my glad rags on. Not because I'm going out - but because its Freezing. I'm wearing lots of layers. Like an onion. An onion with a hoodie.

I kinda look like a chav right now, like I'm about to go and be anti social. Makes me feel good actually. Confident.

I read today that Microsoft have bought Skype for 10 million dollars. Idiots, you can download it for free.

Pilot, Tony and Sneath are all going out on Tuesday night. I need to be there. Gonna have a word with the boss tomorrow and see about having Wednesday off. They all keep going on about 'getting on it'. Sounds like something Jenks might have pulled.

Fuck the environment - print this blog.

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Social Drinking

So yeah, Staying Drunk is now evolving and embracing social media, like facebook. Why? I have no idea. I'm just bored to be honest. Although I'm not bored enough to set up a twitter account for it. Yet.

I can't decide whether or not to keep subscribing to Sky Sports. Sometimes it seems like a good deal, 4 sports channels for £23 a month. Then sometimes I can think of much better things to spend that money on - like buying way too much lunch from Spar on my breaks at work.

My fav thing to have for lunch at the moment are those Lunchables that I *think* are meant for kids. They are just so immense. I'm sure I've seen grown up versions of them before, where they use posh bread and cheese that actually has some sort proper cheese name, like Brie. Brie tastes like shit though.

So on the news today they are saying that Gaddafi has been killed. The first reports I heard were that he had been shot and captured, so I wonder if he died from his injuries, or they just decided to skip the trial? He's been responsible for so much - more than I ever knew about until the past few days. I think I would of hated him more, if he didn't look so much like Mel B off Bo-Selecta.

I'm currently sat here trying to decide whether or not to do a workout DVD that was suggested to me by Pilot. Its called the P90X workout. A lot of people would recognise it from the Lazy Song by Bruno Mars. However, Lazy and P90X couldn't be any more far apart.  The first time I tried it, it felt like a fat mans quick way to commit suicide.
One of the work outs is a 16 minute Ab workout, with 12 positions and 25 'reps' in each position. It works out to doing just over 300 reps in less than 16 minutes.

Now, for my first time doing it, out of the total 300, I managed about 7. I'm not even joking, I felt so unfit. And the next day I was in absolute bits. But I have done it a few times since and I am now getting better at it.
The one I'm supposed to do tonight is more of an hours worth of martial arts moves, designed to get you sweating. I made the mistake of forgetting to close the blinds last time I did it, and quite a few passers by got their very own private low budget Jackie Chan outtakes montage.

Now I've said that, I really wanna watch a Jackie Chan film. I think I have First Strike somewhere.

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Toilet Etiquette

So, a while back I told you guys I was planning on making a video blog set in some toilets.  It sounds pretty horrific, and quite frankly, it would of been. I still really want to make this video as I had some really great ideas of what to do, but I just don't have the time to do it :(

Anyways, the basis of the video was going to be about what the correct procedure is when going to the toilet. More so with what to do if the toilet is occupied. This all came about a few years ago when I worked for Honda. We had 2 toilets in the building, and both were available for employees or customers.

Now, picture the situation. Its a warm summers day. Its about 2 and a half hours after I've demolished a KFC lunch. Things are starting to rumble. So I (worry free) nip to the toilet to shed a few kilos.
After about 5-10 minutes I hear the receptionist tell a customer which way it is to the toilet I'm in. I start to panic. Did I lock the door properly? Its one of those locks that don't have a green or red sign, just a lever that you turn 45 degrees. I can't even reach it from where I'm sat. I hear footsteps getting closer and closer. In a  last ditch effort, I extend my right leg out as far as possible, in the hope that when the door opens, it will hit my leg and whoever is trying to interrupt my afternoon poop will realise the horrendous situation they have walked into. I'm not sure what will happen first, the door hitting my leg, or the smell hitting their face.

Much to my already high level of relief, the door as it happens was locked. THANK FUCK. Thank you sweet mother of baby Jesus.

However, now comes the next bit. They have already tried to open the door once.. and now they are trying again. What the fuck are they doing? Trying to break the door down? Do I say something? Cough? Let out a distinct but subtle fart? Make a splash?  Before my mind could pick something terrible to do, thankfully, a voice came from the other side of the door.

"Is somebody in there?" Came the voice. Erm, fucking... Yes. Of course there is. Do they think I came in here to die? Or did I come in here, have a massive toilet destroying shit, and my only means of escape was out the window? Yes there is somebody in here.  Or, as I put it "Yep".

What are you supposed to say in that situation? I've been on the other side of the door before and I've heard lots of different things like 'Occupied'.. 'Taken'... or sometimes a simple grunt, or cough. Or my favourite... "someones in here"... really??? Talking in the 3rd person now? Do they walk around narrating everything they are doing? What noise would you make in that situation? Or would you say something, or anything at all? I've spoken to some people about this. Some say that they wouldn't say anything, or make any noise at all. Just sit there in silence hoping they give up, and not come back with help to get the door open. That's pretty risky in my opinion. Some just cough, I think that's a good one. But that too can be risky. You don't want to force out a cough, then an unnecessary loud fart follows it up. That sure would get rid of anyone though. My good friend Dave Scuse who runs the Bulletproof blog.. he's got the answer. We came up with this a good while ago. The best thing to do, we think, is to state the type of toilet visit you are carrying out. So if you're ever in the situation I was in, and threre's a knock at the door, just shout TWOOOOOOOOOO!!

Anyway, unfortunately, this is not where this shit story ends.

So I'm sat there, pleased that in the end... I wasn't caught dropped trou having a poo by a customer. So I finish up my business and a few wipes later I'm back on my feet. It was one of those toilet visits that really punish your water bill, as after 2 flushes, it was far from looking clear.  It was one of those special occasions where you get to use the trusty bog brush, which in this case, I first had to knock against the side of the toilet bowl to get rid of a few stragglers from the last use. Nice.

A quick plunge and flush later, everythings looking peachy. But sadly, its not smelling that way, and we are shit out of air freshener. So, being the gentleman I am, I open the window slightly.

Now, I unlock the door, and there.. in front of me.. is the said customer who had tried to barge is way in, some 15 minutes earlier.  I stand there, horrified. I can't quite believe it. They've been there the whole time? Probably heard every toilet paper torn from the roll? Stood their ground and not moved while I struggled to drown my bowel movements over 3 separate flushes?

I can't even remember if I said anything to them. I hope I at least apologised.

Tin x2

Up until today I have been quite undecided about the new Tin Tin film coming out. I remember reading about how Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson visited the set of Avatar and played with the technology, then decided on the spot that Tin Tin would be possible.  I was really excited to see how the Avatar technology could be pushed with such great talent involved.
Then the first trailer came out, and I was just really really underwhelmed. To me, it just looked the same as the Christmas Carol film with Jim Carey doing the capture work.
Another trailer hit yesterday, and I must say, things did look better. But I guess I still feel that they haven't really pushed the technology forward anymore. 

BUT, my good friend* over at The Incredible Suit just posted his review, and it made me rethink the way I was approaching this film, and that I should concentrate on if the film is actually any good! I think I want to go and see it at the Birmingham IMAX screen, although, apparently it has just undergone a refurb and has lost its IMAX screen status. But we are told that it will still be just as big, and better than before. Its a good 50 minute journey to that particular cinema for me, but its totally worth it for the experience. The screen size is fantastic and worth the journey alone.

I watched the Man Utd Champions League game last night, and it was shite. I wish I had spent 2 hours on Fifa instead.

However - on a good note... Dexter season 6 is now airing in the states. So far so good, can't wait to see how this season unfolds.  We are watching lots of shows at the mo - Terra Nova, Boardwalk Empire, House and even Phoenix Nights. I had never seen a whole episode up until a couple of weeks ago, and I can't believe what I have missed out on. They need to make more of it!

* He's not my actual friend, more a distant internet relative