Review of the Decade

2010, so far its been a year of change people.

Everything was going hunky dorey.. til January 4th bitched slapped me in the face with the news that come the end of the month - I was out of a job.

Not exactly what I was expecting, seeing as 2009 was the best year since opening. ANYWAY...

A couple of weeks have passed since then, and luckily I've managed to secure employment as of 1st of February, phew.

SOOOOO I decided that this blog shall be a review of the last decade. Its quite a monstrous task. Lots of stuff to talk about. I might even break it down into sections. I know some of my readers are a bit slow*

*When i say slow, I'm just being polite. You know who you are. (John)


Year 2000. 17 years old. Full of enthusiasm and sperm.
I hacked my way through the end of my A levels, got my first full time job. I spent all my money on food and computer games. I turned 18 and had my first legal pint in the Fox pub on Leicester Street. Pint of Boddingtons. My god it was shit. Christ - to think I went there for my first 'legal experience'. I may as well have gone to Amsterdam and paid a midget for a blow job. At least they wouldn't need to kneel.

Factual tidbit: Conchord engine blows up on takeoff and crashes.

2001 was pretty eventful. My parents split up, started learning to drive. I went on a once in a lifetime Holiday to Austrailia and New Zealand. My cousin Tony moved in with me and mum, which I thought was ace and mum thought was terrifying. Terrorists played Jenga with some tall buildings in America. Tony moved out again and then I lost my virginity. Well... I say lost. More like dropped accidentally. I placed some ads on Milk Cartons but it remains a mystery to this day.

Factual Tidbits: File sharing program Napster was shut down. First iPod launched. Wikipedia went live.

2002. Im still living at home with my mum, but my girlfriend at the time moves in with us. Blimey that really worked out well. How we managed to all live together for 9 months is beyond me. My job role changed to a website graphics developer. Sounds awesome but I just basically fucked around with Paint programs.
Just as things hit boiling point at home, rather than breaking up... I decide to move out with her and get our own place.

Factual tidbit: President bush choked on a pretzel at the whitehouse and fainted.

2003. Living with my girlfriend, in our own place.... its fantastic! For about a month. Then I learned about Bills, and council tax. Food shopping. URGH. We were completely broke and pretty much lived on potatos and their various cooked/fried forms. Work promote me and as a result I get my very own company van! It's white, and I spent a week learning about how to be a White Van Man driver. I also started to play guitar this year.My 21st birthday was a surprise party, and so many friends were there. Had a really great time. Was only the day after when I found out I had paid for it all without my knowledge. FML

Factual tidbit: Xbox Live launched. Saddam Hussains statue torn down in the center of Baghdad.

2004 started off pretty shit. Me and the gf split up and we both moved back to our parents. After a brief attempt at making things work, it finished for good in April. I get back in touch with friends who I haven't seen properly for ages - and so begins possibly the best time of my life.  Getting smashed pretty much every week, having the greatest time, meeting lots of people. Driving to Newquay twice in a month was a highlight :) Bough my favourite car ever, Honda Civic Vti and drove around like a bastard all the time. Got into another relationship, but far more healthier than the previous.**ADDITION** Also saw cousin ZOE for the first time in about 10 years. Turns out shes actually pretty cool.

Factual tidbit: Massive Tsunamis strike indonesia.

2005 was more of the same. Great times with friends and the gf. Moved in with gf and my cousin Tony and his gf. My second time living with Tony - always a laugh, never any problems. The place we lived in was fucking rancid - but dirt dirt cheap. Eventually sold my pride and joy and then changed jobs and started working for Honda. New company car is a Automatic Honda Jazz. Things could only get better...

Factual tidbits: Youtube goes live. Crazy Frog ringtone advert gets censored from complaints that you could see the frogs penis.

2006 was a weird one. Work was good, didn't go out much though. Bought a Smart car with the money from the Civic, and was pleasantly surprised. Met all my friends from up Yorkshire way. Fantastic people, Ben, Vickeh, Sarah, Gemma, Nina etc ... Went on an all inclusive holiday to the Canary Islands, then had a massive bust up with the gf and we broke up. I move back into mums. AGAIN. Fuck sake.

Factual tidbit: Facebook blasted off. Zidane headbuts an Italien during the world cup.

2007 living with mum is actually ok. I sort out my stupid spending habits and crack on with earning money. Went to Amsterdam for a stag do, but was too chicken to smoke anything - so just tried some cake. LOL. Went out a lot again and had a lot of fun :D Turned 25 years old. Was emotional. I had champagne poured over me. I was so drunk at the time that I ran my fingers thru my drenched hair and then licked the excess champagne off my hands. Shameful.

Factual tidbit: Government announce a 2p cut in income tax. Maddie McCann is kidnapped.

2008 was the year of what if. Me and the ex thought that we had stopped a good thing, so decided to give it another shot. Moved into a really nice place - but it was quite expensive. Had a nice holiday in Tunisia, and a great house warming party. I tried to grow my hair long but I looked like a fucking twat. And I needed to loose weight, fast. Cousin Tony got proposed to and I was gonna be best man. Not best fat man. Things with the gf just wasnt to be, so I moved in with my work mate over Christmas.

Factual tidbit: Guy in America commits suicide live on webcam to thousands of viewers. Season finale?

2009 was pretty epic. Tonys secret stag do was one of the best weekends of my life. Their wedding was also fantastic. I need to get a copy of my best man speech. Everyone said I came across like I was gay. I laughed, and watched for myself. SHIT. I was totally fucking gay. No wonder I ended up in bed with JENKINS in the bridal suite. Dont worry - we had an erection barrier. Moved back in with mum AGAIN in march... I needed a place to go and she needed help - so it worked at the time. Had lots of good lads weekends, and work *WAS* going really well. Met a fantastic lady and looking forward to what it will bring :)

Factual tidbit: Michael Jackson died. Rage Against the Machine claim the music chart for Christmas no1.

OK... so that was my decade. From 17 to 27. Seeing it all written down like that - it looks good in places - but also kinda boring. I think I must of missed something out... honest!

Not just onions that make you cry..

Yeah. So onions are the only veg that can make you cry? WRONG. I threw a carrot in mums face. She's in tears.

I thought it would be best to get a quick blog post in before the year end, which is in about 10 hours time. Talk about leaving it til the last..... 10 hours? don't think that will quite catch on.

Christmas was better than last year. good presents, good food, some more good presents, more food. Bit of drink. More food. Slight indegestion. More food. Quick dump. Sleep.

K that kinda turned into a hour by hour breakdown rather than a re-cap.. but what the hell. Tis the season to be detailed.

OOH I've had Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 for like - ages now and I've ONLY JUST got into the multiplayer side of things. It is actually really good! (PSN ID: Pikari82)

So to wrap things up, just get some pretty paper, scissors and some selotape. Its really that simple.

Its obviously New Years Eve today - so if I remember anything about tonight, something will have gone seriously wrong. Can you pre-book ambulances these days?

Happy New Year people. Thanks for reading this year.

Look behind you!
Chris

Top 20 Ways To Annoy People In a Lift

1)CRACK open your bag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air
in there?”

2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting
off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open,
then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you
Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re
one of THEM” – and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when someone presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have
new socks on.”

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”

12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers: “This is my personal space.”

14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the
shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back
for more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a
while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”

18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then
scream: “That’s mine!”

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and
exits with the Passengers.

Thats all your getting tonight folks.

And don't worry, I'm planning on being more spontaneous in the future.

Free Thinking Cat Shits Outside the Box

Indeed.

This week has somewhat flown by. Had a top night out with Paramedic Dan (He's a Paramedic)(well in training)(well....) on Tuesday... followed by a good day out in Leicester shopping on Wednesday. However, that's when I started to develop this stupid cold I'm now nursing.

It's probably my own fault.. as I was out in the rain Tuesday night without adequate rain protection.

Also spent an evening at James' house playing Modern Warfare 2 on split screen co-op... which was awesome!

ANYWAY.. back on topic... thinking outside the box...

I'm bringing this up again, as I have thought this for a long period of time. I'm gonna talk about sexuality, and the powers of attraction.  (Somewhat my area of expertise)

DISCLAIMER: Following this is a portrayal of potencially offensive stereo typing and pigeon holing, mixed in with homophobia and racism. Please do not carry on reading if you are a retard.

It would be safe to say, that in this world.. we have heterosexuals, and we have homosexuals. I don't believe there is such a thing as Nosexuals (people who don't fancy anything).. so I'm just running with these 2. For the sake of my arguement sounding valid, forget the existence of bisexuals (or the correct pronunciation : greedy fuckers)

Hetro people fancy the opposite sex...
or

Hetro people fancy people who are hetro.. 

Homo's fancy people of the same sex..
or
Homo people fancy people who are homo.

Are you with me so far? good.

no? then read it again, fuck sake.

Anyways.. looking at my last point there, homo's fancying homos. Does this make it possible for a gay guy to fancy a gay woman? and vice versa? I think its totally possible. The only thing I can't get my head round is how they would, you know. Do it.

I mean, lesbians use dildos even though they chose chuff over wood.

So, potentially, there could be a 'strap on up the trumpet' scenario that's totally possible.

I think I need to stop thinking about this now. Please feel free to leave a comment, unless its something that disproves my theory.

Climate change is REAL

 
I reckon there's truth in this whole climate change, save the planet stuff. 4 Months ago it was really warm, and now its fucking freezing.

The Railway station for the town I live in is a complete joke. It looks like something out of the 1920's. There are 2 platforms, 1 of which contains a ticket office that is open 24/7.

When I say 24/7 I mean 24 minutes a day, 7 days a year.

If you ever travel from Melton to any other destination, you are pretty much guaranteed a bollocking from the train conductor as your supposed to buy before you get on the train etc etc.

The other platform has a few seats, and a few doors and windows which lead to.... absolutely nothing. Its literally a fake wall now. With fake doors and windows. Apparently there used to be waiting rooms there or something. Probably for people waiting for the fucking ticket office to open.

So, why am I talking about a train station? Well, it's because there was an article in the news today about Britains worst train stations, and mine wasn't on the list. So I got angry.

Speaking of 24/7, I was reading a story about the failed terrorist bombers that happened back on 21st July, or the 21/7 bombers. Someone made a point that they should of waited a few more days, til the 24th. That way, no matter the success of their operation, they would go on to be known as the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day everyday. And despite their actual lack of success, it would of made it at least seem like they were good at bombing.

I also read somewhere in a different story that a TA soldier 'blogged about not having enough equipment'. That made me laugh, how he can blog about that. Surely if he got into trouble, he could just post a twitter note 'John is being shot at. Help.'

Don't take that too seriously - I have the up most respect for everyone in the forces and they *should* have all the equipment they need to do the job they are sent out to do.

IN OTHER NEWS

Swindon is going to be the first town/city in the UK to get full 'free' Wi-Fi coverage.

I've used wi-fi a couple of times, like when I've been in a weatherspoons or something. Is this a good thing? I don't know. I guess from a security side it would be. Everytime I disable the security on my home router, someone tries to connect to it within minutes.

But would people cancel their internet subscriptions at home? If I got a decent Wi-Fi signal at home I wouldnt see the need to pay another company for a personal connection.

My mobile phone is due for renewal this month. I had contemplated jumping on the IPHONE bandwagon, but I just can't do that to myself. Apparently virus's are starting to infect some iphones aswell - although I did hear it was only cracked/unlocked phones that have been hit so far. lol@them.

Here's a good idea if you are going bowling soon, Its completely childish of course.

Next time you are typing your scoreboard name in, make it '3 Testicles'.

That way, at some point if you are half decent... you should get a screen message:

'Congratulations 3 Testicles, you got a Spare!'

Hmm, so yeah, that about wraps up one of my first blogs that is focused on my thoughts of a few news stories. Should I do this more or not? No I didn't think so.

I keep getting emails from a 'Bored Housewife' looking for some action. I've sent her a load ironing that I need doing. Should keep her quiet for a while.

Yep, so.... yeah. Looking forward to that. Sure.

After a rather chuckle worthy phone call earlier to a particular female relative, where I blatantly made my wanting to end the call a little to blatently, it got me thinking about other good ways to end a telephone call, with or without upsetting the other phone user, and also trying to see if I can make this sentence any harder to read, as I'm just using comma's, instead of full stops. Ah there it is.

After thinking about it for some time - I came to find that there isn't really many great ways.

Well, there might be, but I just can't think of many.

SO

Instead, I* decided to come up with some different ways to end emails. Other than the typical 'Regards,' etc.

*When I say I, I mean I'm copying what I've found elsewhere.


Regards,
Chris


Thanks,
Chris


Eat a bushel of penis,
Chris


Love and sphincters,
Chris


Remind me to gargle,
Chris


Fondling,
Chris


BOOOYYAAAA!


Everything above is a lie,
Chris


Conversation Terminated.


Stay Black,
Chris


The man, the myth, the legend.
Chris


Disregard that, I suck cocks,
Chris


In conclusion, girls are "icky".
Chris


May you bathe in the blood of your enemies,
Chris


No trees were harmed in the sending of this message, but several electrons were terribly inconvenienced.


Look behind you,
Chris


Love and other indoor sports,
Chris


Relentlessly,
Chris


There are some examples. Another great way to end an email, is to just end it mid sentance. Its really great because it makes you seem mysterious and people will always

Thats Levitation Homes...

So, I accidentally sent a picture of my penis to everyone in my address book. Not only was I completely horrified and embarrased, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

So went to see 'The Fourth Kind' last night.

I must admit I was kinda dissapointed. I saw the trailer and it looked like a really creepy scary film. However, all the freakish scenes had already been glimpsed at in the trailer. So every time a patient went under hypnosis, I kinda new what to expect. I had hoped that there was stuff I hadn't seen... but no.

There was one big Jump/Scare scene in the film, that did pretty much get the whole audience. I was sat next to Calum, and to say that it made him jump like a girl ... would be a crime.

Calum jumped, like a 23 year old male. As in - a 23 year old male who didn't go in to the film expecting to jump. I'm glad he wasn't holding any liquids in his hands, put it that way.

 ANYWAY... If you are wanting to go see something scary any time soon - skip this and don't bother with SAW four thousand and fifteen either.

Wait and go see Paranormal Activity, which is much better and creepier.

Anyways. Had a big takeaway the other night with my mum. Kinda ordered a bit too much - eyes too big for my belly like. And I tell you - I have big fucking eyes.
Soooo I finished half way through knowing I was full to the brim, and Mum being Mum said how it was such a waste, and starving kids in Africa would crawl over broken glass to have a meal like that.

Which gives me an idea for a new game show...

I posted this blog 3 weeks ago..

Fucking Royal Mail.

I havent posted for a while as I've been lucky enough to join up with a group of mates who were planning on backpacking through Europe for 6 weeks, so I havent been at a computer.

Ok, that was a lie, I just couldn't be fucked to post. Now please, it's nothing to do with you guys n gals who read this... I can just on occasion be really fucking lazy.

When I say on occasion I mean all the time.

Anyways, rather than just make excuses I ought to say something cool or funny.

The lady who lives next door is bulimic. She was being really noisy last night when I got home from work. I banged on the wall yelled to her to keep it down.

So, work wise, I had a great September. Plenty of cars sold, lots of money earned. October wasn't so busy but still good enough.

Helped pilot move into his new place in Ely, near Cambridge. So far had 1 mega night out over there, looking forward to many more.

Following on from my last blog, Final Destination 3D was shite, District 9 was ace. Avatar is looking lush and so is a film called 'Ninja Assassins'. Its about Ninjas.