Drink. Stare. Laugh.

Yep, that is the way it goes. On a lads night out - we follow this proven 'Circle of Lash'

Definitely for the sobre part of any night I reckon. Up until about the 4th or 5th drink. Us guys stand in a circle, usually in exactly the same stance.

Left hand goes into the left pocket (You can also just tuck your thumb into the pocket, that is also accepted).

Right hand holds the Bottle/Can/Glass. At any height between the chest or just above the waist. Unless Tony is pulling a Posemaster pose, and has an empty glass upside down above his head.

Once you are into this traditional position, it can start from any of the above 3 options. But once it has started, its pretty much guaranteed to go in order from that point. For arguments sake (Which is my way of saying I can't be arsed to go through them all) lets say we start with 'Drink'.

So, chances are that when you are in a group of lads, when one drinks, the rest drink. When we go out, we do tend to buy in rounds, and we usually do buyers choice. So most of the time we all have the same beverage.  Unless we are on Lager. As Jenks likes to drink Bitter. Apparently it goes down better. Shame he doesn't. So I've heard. Or should I say so Dans heard. Or should I say, so Tony's seen.  So they say.

So, after the Drink part, we move onto 'Stare'. Again, usually, we will all stare at the same thing, or all stare at something different. Maybe the skin head who's just walked in with his striped polo neck shirt, walking like they've shat themselves. We could be all looking at the slightly overweight girl hanging off the pole on the dance floor, wondering which is gonna give way first - her hand, or the ceiling.  Maybe me and Dan have seen a ridiculously fit girl walk in, and we both stare blatantly until she looks at us, at which point we both wince and pretend to feel sick - just to properly ruin her night. 

To go off slightly on a side note - this is one of my favourite things to do. Ruin womens' nights. This tends to happen after I've had a few beers - but I love telling women they have shit hair, or they look like they got dressed in the dark. Its great fun, but risky.

Anyways, so we've all stared for approx 5-20 seconds. Usually at this point, we all realise what everyone else is looking at, so then comes the 'Laugh' part.

This part can also include some talking. However - I'm sure you've all been in the same position I have. You are in a bar/club, talking to someone you know - or just met. They are in full blown conversation with you. They are properly into it - and you are stood there nodding along, or agreeing. I say this - cos as I'm sure you all know - I'm usually standing there with no fucking idea what so ever, what they are talking about.

Its too fucking loud in there. So its easier to just nod and agree, than to ask them to consistently lean in 6mm from your Ear drum to try and get you to understand some stupid insignificant piece of information no one gives a shit about anyway.  
There's just no point. I've had to say to people that I didn't hear them, and they've leaned in close like 4 or 5 times. I can't ask again, because I've not been diagnosed with retardation and I'm not gonna have anyone else admit me. So after a while I just pretend I understand. If I say something that doesn't make sense to what they asked - you can easily just fuck off to the toilet and by the time you are done, the conversation has moved on.

So there we have it. Drink - Stare - Laugh.

Next time you are on a night out - if you haven't noticed it before, you will now. Its Science.

Hanging...

..out of my arse. Oh my days.

I said a few blogs ago that there was a big lash up happening last night. Jesus, did it live up to expectations.
As far as Melton Mowbray goes - the night life is pretty shite to be honest. You really have to be in good company to have a decent night. And that's never a problem when the lash club are in town.


Sooooo much alcohol consumed. Jenks took a photo of his penis. We danced like champions.

We laughed at the picture I took of myself from earlier that day:

We even went to Tubes, the local nightclub. I just did a quick google search to try and get some pictures of the place so you know what I'm talking about. But it seems that no photos exist.
We danced in there as well. This time, not quite like champions. It makes me laugh when I think about it. I can picture it in my head, all 4 of us there in a huddle trying to dance seriously.

My next blog is going to be an insight of the male psyche when in a bar/club. It seems us chaps follow a set pattern when in the vicinity or booze/women.

All will be revealed, when staying drunk returns.

 Look behind you.

Paranormal Gripes

So we went to check out Paranormal Activity 3 last night. Been looking forward to it a lot, loved the first 2.

The 3rd is good too. I was genuinely cowering at the screen as I'm a proper wuss when things make me jump. I liked the addition of the 'moving' camera mounted on the fan. Added some nice tension in certain scenes.

The ending didn't exactly scar me for life - like the trailers suggested. And here lies my problem. The Trailer.

These films are based on the idea of 'Found Footage'. The idea is to hint that it really happened. Now tell me if I'm wrong, but if you show a scene in a trailer, then in the movie, the scene is different - then surely that ruins the film? It immediately ruins any suspension of disbelief.

I know the idea will be to release an 'extended' cut of the film, for either re-release or the DVD release. I don't mind extended cuts - more footage. But whats the point of doing 'alternate endings' for these 'found footage' movies? Completely pointless!

So, to some up... if you are like me, a self confessed bell end... go and see it, but be prepared to have a few gripes.

Your Fucking Welcome

***UPDATED POST***

Didn't want to post a second blog, but just wanted y'all to know...

If you are looking for a reason to go to a IMAX cinema screen instead of your regular screen... now is the time. Well I say now, I mean in a month or two.

The new Mission Impossible film showing at IMAX screens are going to have a 6 MINUTE DARK KNIGHT RISES TEASER TRAILER playing in front of it. 6 Minutes. Only at IMAX. Oh Baby.
**END UPDATE**

So yeah. I can't take credit for it - but this morning I discovered on another site quite simply a fantastic looking movie trailer. Very excited.

So yeah, its a found footage movie. These kinda films do have their drawbacks - would the camera guy reallllllly keep filming in these situations? I dunno. But I've liked most of the offerings so far. Blair Witch, Rec, Paranormal Series, Cloverfield, Troll Hunter etc etc.

Its Sunday and I'm working later. Which I think is a criminal offence. Lock me up.

I want I want I want

Battlefield 3 please:

And I wanna see:

I also wanna see Tin Tin and Real Steel. Too much to see and do.

Its Saturday night baby and yeah you guessed it, I'm getting my glad rags on. Not because I'm going out - but because its Freezing. I'm wearing lots of layers. Like an onion. An onion with a hoodie.

I kinda look like a chav right now, like I'm about to go and be anti social. Makes me feel good actually. Confident.

I read today that Microsoft have bought Skype for 10 million dollars. Idiots, you can download it for free.

Pilot, Tony and Sneath are all going out on Tuesday night. I need to be there. Gonna have a word with the boss tomorrow and see about having Wednesday off. They all keep going on about 'getting on it'. Sounds like something Jenks might have pulled.

Fuck the environment - print this blog.

Social Drinking

So yeah, Staying Drunk is now evolving and embracing social media, like facebook. Why? I have no idea. I'm just bored to be honest. Although I'm not bored enough to set up a twitter account for it. Yet.

I can't decide whether or not to keep subscribing to Sky Sports. Sometimes it seems like a good deal, 4 sports channels for £23 a month. Then sometimes I can think of much better things to spend that money on - like buying way too much lunch from Spar on my breaks at work.

My fav thing to have for lunch at the moment are those Lunchables that I *think* are meant for kids. They are just so immense. I'm sure I've seen grown up versions of them before, where they use posh bread and cheese that actually has some sort proper cheese name, like Brie. Brie tastes like shit though.

So on the news today they are saying that Gaddafi has been killed. The first reports I heard were that he had been shot and captured, so I wonder if he died from his injuries, or they just decided to skip the trial? He's been responsible for so much - more than I ever knew about until the past few days. I think I would of hated him more, if he didn't look so much like Mel B off Bo-Selecta.

I'm currently sat here trying to decide whether or not to do a workout DVD that was suggested to me by Pilot. Its called the P90X workout. A lot of people would recognise it from the Lazy Song by Bruno Mars. However, Lazy and P90X couldn't be any more far apart.  The first time I tried it, it felt like a fat mans quick way to commit suicide.
One of the work outs is a 16 minute Ab workout, with 12 positions and 25 'reps' in each position. It works out to doing just over 300 reps in less than 16 minutes.

Now, for my first time doing it, out of the total 300, I managed about 7. I'm not even joking, I felt so unfit. And the next day I was in absolute bits. But I have done it a few times since and I am now getting better at it.
The one I'm supposed to do tonight is more of an hours worth of martial arts moves, designed to get you sweating. I made the mistake of forgetting to close the blinds last time I did it, and quite a few passers by got their very own private low budget Jackie Chan outtakes montage.

Now I've said that, I really wanna watch a Jackie Chan film. I think I have First Strike somewhere.

Toilet Etiquette

So, a while back I told you guys I was planning on making a video blog set in some toilets.  It sounds pretty horrific, and quite frankly, it would of been. I still really want to make this video as I had some really great ideas of what to do, but I just don't have the time to do it :(


Anyways, the basis of the video was going to be about what the correct procedure is when going to the toilet. More so with what to do if the toilet is occupied. This all came about a few years ago when I worked for Honda. We had 2 toilets in the building, and both were available for employees or customers.

Now, picture the situation. Its a warm summers day. Its about 2 and a half hours after I've demolished a KFC lunch. Things are starting to rumble. So I (worry free) nip to the toilet to shed a few kilos.
After about 5-10 minutes I hear the receptionist tell a customer which way it is to the toilet I'm in. I start to panic. Did I lock the door properly? Its one of those locks that don't have a green or red sign, just a lever that you turn 45 degrees. I can't even reach it from where I'm sat. I hear footsteps getting closer and closer. In a  last ditch effort, I extend my right leg out as far as possible, in the hope that when the door opens, it will hit my leg and whoever is trying to interrupt my afternoon poop will realise the horrendous situation they have walked into. I'm not sure what will happen first, the door hitting my leg, or the smell hitting their face.

Much to my already high level of relief, the door as it happens was locked. THANK FUCK. Thank you sweet mother of baby Jesus.

However, now comes the next bit. They have already tried to open the door once.. and now they are trying again. What the fuck are they doing? Trying to break the door down? Do I say something? Cough? Let out a distinct but subtle fart? Make a splash?  Before my mind could pick something terrible to do, thankfully, a voice came from the other side of the door.

"Is somebody in there?" Came the voice. Erm, fucking... Yes. Of course there is. Do they think I came in here to die? Or did I come in here, have a massive toilet destroying shit, and my only means of escape was out the window? Yes there is somebody in here.  Or, as I put it "Yep".

What are you supposed to say in that situation? I've been on the other side of the door before and I've heard lots of different things like 'Occupied'.. 'Taken'... or sometimes a simple grunt, or cough. Or my favourite... "someones in here"... really??? Talking in the 3rd person now? Do they walk around narrating everything they are doing? What noise would you make in that situation? Or would you say something, or anything at all? I've spoken to some people about this. Some say that they wouldn't say anything, or make any noise at all. Just sit there in silence hoping they give up, and not come back with help to get the door open. That's pretty risky in my opinion. Some just cough, I think that's a good one. But that too can be risky. You don't want to force out a cough, then an unnecessary loud fart follows it up. That sure would get rid of anyone though. My good friend Dave Scuse who runs the Bulletproof blog.. he's got the answer. We came up with this a good while ago. The best thing to do, we think, is to state the type of toilet visit you are carrying out. So if you're ever in the situation I was in, and threre's a knock at the door, just shout TWOOOOOOOOOO!!

Anyway, unfortunately, this is not where this shit story ends.

So I'm sat there, pleased that in the end... I wasn't caught dropped trou having a poo by a customer. So I finish up my business and a few wipes later I'm back on my feet. It was one of those toilet visits that really punish your water bill, as after 2 flushes, it was far from looking clear.  It was one of those special occasions where you get to use the trusty bog brush, which in this case, I first had to knock against the side of the toilet bowl to get rid of a few stragglers from the last use. Nice.

A quick plunge and flush later, everythings looking peachy. But sadly, its not smelling that way, and we are shit out of air freshener. So, being the gentleman I am, I open the window slightly.

Now, I unlock the door, and there.. in front of me.. is the said customer who had tried to barge is way in, some 15 minutes earlier.  I stand there, horrified. I can't quite believe it. They've been there the whole time? Probably heard every toilet paper torn from the roll? Stood their ground and not moved while I struggled to drown my bowel movements over 3 separate flushes?

I can't even remember if I said anything to them. I hope I at least apologised.

Tin x2

Up until today I have been quite undecided about the new Tin Tin film coming out. I remember reading about how Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson visited the set of Avatar and played with the technology, then decided on the spot that Tin Tin would be possible.  I was really excited to see how the Avatar technology could be pushed with such great talent involved.
Then the first trailer came out, and I was just really really underwhelmed. To me, it just looked the same as the Christmas Carol film with Jim Carey doing the capture work.
Another trailer hit yesterday, and I must say, things did look better. But I guess I still feel that they haven't really pushed the technology forward anymore. 

BUT, my good friend* over at The Incredible Suit just posted his review, and it made me rethink the way I was approaching this film, and that I should concentrate on if the film is actually any good! I think I want to go and see it at the Birmingham IMAX screen, although, apparently it has just undergone a refurb and has lost its IMAX screen status. But we are told that it will still be just as big, and better than before. Its a good 50 minute journey to that particular cinema for me, but its totally worth it for the experience. The screen size is fantastic and worth the journey alone.

I watched the Man Utd Champions League game last night, and it was shite. I wish I had spent 2 hours on Fifa instead.

However - on a good note... Dexter season 6 is now airing in the states. So far so good, can't wait to see how this season unfolds.  We are watching lots of shows at the mo - Terra Nova, Boardwalk Empire, House and even Phoenix Nights. I had never seen a whole episode up until a couple of weeks ago, and I can't believe what I have missed out on. They need to make more of it!


* He's not my actual friend, more a distant internet relative


Shabba

Not Epic Enough..

..is what I thought regards the new Avengers movie Teaser Trailer. I'm not saying it didn't look fun, but I guess it just felt kinda on the same epicness level than any other super hero teaser trailer. I hope they ramp it up a notch next time.

Battlefield 3 and the new COD are out soon. Really cant wait for either of them.
I'm not gonna be a fanboy and pick sides over them, I think they will both offer unique gaming experiences and I'm sure both will deliver the goods. I've played the BF3 demo on PS3 and even though it was only a taster of 1 map - it's had me hooked for hours.

Have you ever been Airsofting?  I started going earlier this year and its seriously great fun. Simply - its like a grown ups version of paintballing. You use real imitation guns, a crapload of ammo... and you can basically just go nuts. Or you can be a sneaky bastard.

There are probably lots of sites all around you that you may or may not know about. Some will do gun hire and some will expect you to have your own kit.  I will do a blog dedicated to airsoft with loads of pictures from a game day to give you an idea. The next one I'm going to, the organisers are having a few video cameras out on the battlefield to record material for a promo video. Nice.

After the last night out with Tony, we both agreed that we need to arrange a special 'one night only' lash up involving everybody we used to go out with *gulp* 10 years ago.
Literally everyone. We don't care if you have moved overseas, or are now a single parent with no available babysitter. You leave that child at home locked up with a bowl of baked beans and a plugged in microwave. They can fend for themselves for a few hours while YOU get Titfaced. Its not even illegal - I checked.

Did I say weeks? I meant 5 months.

Don't you just hate it when 1 thing leads to another? Especially when the first thing is 'I think I will be lazy'.

Of course, this wouldn't be my blog if I didn't sporadically disappear off the face of the Internet for months at a time. Although, if you wanted to say hello that bad, why didn't you wave back to me when I drove past you the other day? Wanker.

Paramedic Dan is now officially a Paramedic. Fully trained and everything. Although, the first time I ever saw him in the fast response vehicle, I saw him with the blue lights flashing, but then he pulled into a Bus Stop looking lost!

Tony has become a father to a wonderful bouncing baby boy, Alastair. Congratulations to the Cross family!

Jenks the pilot still has aids. But he's looking well. He's been busy killing libians. Lybians. Libanese? Lybianese's? People from Libia. Lybia. FUCK KNOWS.

I'm not telling you what I've been up to. Its a secret, but it does involve biscuits.

Have you seen the Cathedral City Cheds advert? Its immensely funny. Watch it on Youtube.

Also - I highly recommend you go and see Drive at the cinema, or at least catch it when its out to rent/buy. It kinda feels like its trying to hard too be an instant classic - but it does showcase some pretty epic scenes. I just wish it had a bit more driving in.

Me and the good lady are searching for somewhere new to live. Currently our landlord has said they are putting our house on the market - but with no intention to sell. We have spoken to the estate agent though and she has told them that she has informed us that she wants to sell, so we were a bit miffed that she's decided to lie to us.  Ah well, when we move out I'm sure she'll love having an empty property!

I've started following football a lot more recently. I was always a big fan in my younger days, but since I started working I lost track of what was going on. I'm so into it now that I've even started watching Match of the Day. How dedicated is that? Ok, maybe I do watch the Sunday morning repeat as I'm too tired to stay up late to watch it, but still.

I even recently went to watch Manchester United play at Old Trafford in the Champions League. It was the first game I've been to since I was 10 years old, seeing Leicester City beat Norwich 2-1 and Heskey came on as a Sub to score the winner.

I need a new band to fall in love with. I usually seem to discover new bands that I can connect with fairly often. But I still haven't really hit it off with a band since Kids in Glass houses brought out their 2nd album. You me at Six have just released their 3rd album and I'm not overly liking it. I feel like I have to like it cos' I've loved literally every song they have done up to now.  I'm supposed to be seeing them support Blink next year as well.

Onto more interesting times... I've had a few good nights out recently with the lash club, just a shame it wasn't us all together. It started off with a random Friday night with Dan, followed by a ridiculous Saturday night with Jenks, then a very emotional Tuesday night with Tony and Stef.  If you don't know who Stef is, just scan the horizon.

I've actually got a lot of stuff I wanna talk about, but I don't want to blow my load in one go. But that's another story.

Its Coming...

Coming Soon, within the next few weeks...


A new start for Staying Drunk... Bigger, and Better than before.*


Stay tuned....
 *tbh, actually, roughly the same size, and if everything goes to plan, nearly as good as before.

Its been a while..

.. since I last... came..... on..... to post.  Soooooo

Well, as promised I have done my upmost to make sure that I dont get into the routine of forgetting to post.  Which as you can see went really well.

In truth its a recent comment that spurred me on to continue writing as its nice to know someone out there is reading my dross.

I'm not gonna mention anything about the World Cup for various reasons (mainly the whole team being a bunch of useless F*cki*g $%£& *^&"! tos&^$unts)

So, the last time I posted was in February? Feckin Aider. Well, I have full on started work now, which has kept me the most busy. I pretty much work 6 day weeks.

I'm not seeing my buds as much as Id like as Jenks is away fighting rag tops in the desert. Tony is about to put the finishing touches on his decking in the back garden. That wasn't an innuendo promise. I dunno if I told you but Dan, the spaz broke his leg trying to play Rugby. Anyway, hes ok again now after being on the sick about 3 months!

Anyways, on to more pressing matters. During this inactive absense, I have received a few messages from the readers. Some had me in tears (the one about the KFC offers expiring) and some had my blood bubbling (also the KFC letter).

Here are my*** favourite ones for you all to see, and please, keep them coming :)

Hey Chris

Write a new fucking blog already you lazy slut.

                  - Mel, Melton Mobray
Chris


Please can you settle an ongoing debate between me and the Mrs. She thinks your blog is amazing, and I think its shit. Who's right?


                  - Ben, Oakham

Staying Drunk,

Coping with the death of my husband has been difficult for me. It would really help if you stop publishing blogs with the word 'John' in them.

                  - Sarah Weston, Notts

Chrissss!!!

Hows it going man? Idea: Could you start up a classifieds section for people selling weed and a little coke, but, you know, don't call it anything shady. (But don't make it too abstract either, else I won't know you're doing it) Thanks a lot.

              - Jay, Lesta

Dude -

Just play along, my Mrs thinks I'm doing my accounts! lolllll

                   - Phillip, Melton

Dear Staying Drunk,

Is there anyway to get a message to the person who writes the blog? Thanks

             - Linda Demps, Bolton

Hey Chris

Tenerife is beautiful this time of year.

               - Tom, Tenerife

Chris,

Its Pete who owns PETES PIZZAS on CHURCH STREET. Advertising on blogspot is really expensive so I can't let anyone know that PETES PIZZAS, which is OPEN LATE, is offering FREE GARLIC BREAD WITH ANY LARGE 2 TOPPING PIZZA.

                   - Pete, Church Street, (Melton) 755622

Chrisseh,

If you were to be stranded on a desert island, what CD would you take? Someone just asked me that at dinner and I didnt know what to say.

            - Gaz, Melton

Dude,

How do you know if a girl likes you? If shes pregnant, does that mean she does?

           - Kyle, Melton

Staying Drunk,

Just writing to say Keep up the Good Work! Aw, only kidding. Blogs are gay. Fuck you.

               - Anon

Chris @ Staying Drunk

HAHA You opened my email. Now double click the video clip and you'll see you've been RickRolled. LOL

                - Geeson

Hey,

Is it my voice or your voice you hear when you read this?

                     - James, Melton

Hey man,

Whenever me and the girlfriend are having sex, she never laughs at my jokes. What am I doing wrong?

              - Stott, Devon

Now Then,

Mate, thanks for sending me those sex tips. They've worked wonders!! Who'd have thought the woman could go on top?

              - Ben, Yorks

Chris

I've noticed that you only mention people who compliment your blog. Keep up the good work!

                - Zoe, Melton


Hey Chris

I got to thinking the other day about the roles of class status and feminist identity in the works of Sophocles. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject—preferably 10 to 12 pages worth.

                     - Sam, Bedford Uni


That is all for now. I hand on heart do intend to update this more often. :)

*** When I say my, I mean ones I saw in another publication.

Blogging Away

How eh ye? Sound n that.

How are you all doing? I haven't asked that for a while. I used to say that in my really early blogging days. The reason I havent said it recently is because I didn't care. But today I do. So count your self privaledged.

I'm sat here sprawled out on Len's bed writing this blog. Its not as gay as it sounds. I can totally vouch that Len isn't gay anyway. He's far too tight. ANYWAY

This is kinda spare of the moment as I didnt particulary have anything to write about as I'm saving it for the VIDEO Blog that is upcoming very soon. I've posted a call on facebook for people to help me make the video. So far I think all I really need is a location to shoot it.

I need to have access to film in a toilet which has a good 4-5 cubicles in it. Like this:

I'm not telling you all what its going to be about yet as its supposed to be a surprise, but needless to say it will likely be disgusting, racist, and full of unessessary swearing. SO YOU'LL HAVE TO FUCKING FUCK SAKE BASTARD DEAL WITH IT.

Soooooo...
Sure not badda you alright thanks? You wanna drink no yeah?


As you are aware I'm currently inbetween jobs, and spending most of my days living the life of a typical unemployed bum. That being... getting up late... watching some shit TV.... drinking alcohol... using the bus... stuff like that. Yes, if you are reading this and you do any of the above, then you are also a fucking bum. You heard.

But apart from that, today me and the fellow colleagues travelled to Cambridge for our Induction course to the new company we are working for. Its pretty amazing. They are a big company with loads of cash behind them. And I should be starting a week today :)


So thats all for now dick heads.

Stay Black

An Ode to Honda

Well Fuck me. After just over 4 years, my time with my beloved Honda job has come to an end, 30th January 2010.

The site has been closed down due to it being too big for its boots. As in, not because we are doing too well, but the sites too big for just Honda. Its a real shame as its a lovely site, great location. Just wasn't meant to be!

What follows is a brief look back at, the who, what, why and WTF?!

The original crew consisted, from left to right: Myself, Dave Talbot, Dan Lewin, Mark Dickinson, Darren Doig and Lee Smith. This photo shows us in our characature form. 

Dave started 1 day after I did, and Dan showed us both the ropes of the job. Darren was our manager, and Mark was service manager and Lee was the Hyundai salesman. (LOL)

Me and Dan got on really well, had a great time working with him. Back in the day he had a black chavved up Saxo that had a new bodykit on that hadn't been painted yet. It gave us all lots of lols. 

As you can see, some days were slower than others. The pic on the right was one of the hottest days of the year. Fab lolley and a cup of water, sat outside in the shade. Win.

Not long after Dan left to go work closer to home at Mountsorrel, we were joined by Ben and Calum. Was weary of new people starting as I had got on with Dan so well, but thankfully, they were sound chaps, and neither of them were as good at selling cars as I am, so I was happy LOL.

Ahh. My own little corner of the world for 4+ years. That ass groove on the chair was hard work. Its amazing to think I literally sat in that chair for a good year. Its true, I worked it out.

The store room. Towards the end, this pit of POS from the past actually got quite hospitable. You could see the floor in there and everything. Good memories in that room though. One time we put as many massive plants in there as we could, closed the door and stuck a Monkey picture on the door. If only we could have gotten Jungle noises to play when anyone opened the door.

It was mainly used for a place to store stuff we couldn't use, such as this sign :

Ah, no blog is complete without some casual racism.  There's a few people I havent mentioned, and thats only because I don't have pictures of you, lol! Anyways. The past 4 years has been emotional, and I will miss it terribly. On the bright side, Calum and Richard are both coming with me to my new job!

Good bye Team Francis, Hello Team Marshalls.

Review of the Decade

2010, so far its been a year of change people.

Everything was going hunky dorey.. til January 4th bitched slapped me in the face with the news that come the end of the month - I was out of a job.

Not exactly what I was expecting, seeing as 2009 was the best year since opening. ANYWAY...

A couple of weeks have passed since then, and luckily I've managed to secure employment as of 1st of February, phew.

SOOOOO I decided that this blog shall be a review of the last decade. Its quite a monstrous task. Lots of stuff to talk about. I might even break it down into sections. I know some of my readers are a bit slow*

*When i say slow, I'm just being polite. You know who you are. (John)


Year 2000. 17 years old. Full of enthusiasm and sperm.
I hacked my way through the end of my A levels, got my first full time job. I spent all my money on food and computer games. I turned 18 and had my first legal pint in the Fox pub on Leicester Street. Pint of Boddingtons. My god it was shit. Christ - to think I went there for my first 'legal experience'. I may as well have gone to Amsterdam and paid a midget for a blow job. At least they wouldn't need to kneel.

Factual tidbit: Conchord engine blows up on takeoff and crashes.

2001 was pretty eventful. My parents split up, started learning to drive. I went on a once in a lifetime Holiday to Austrailia and New Zealand. My cousin Tony moved in with me and mum, which I thought was ace and mum thought was terrifying. Terrorists played Jenga with some tall buildings in America. Tony moved out again and then I lost my virginity. Well... I say lost. More like dropped accidentally. I placed some ads on Milk Cartons but it remains a mystery to this day.

Factual Tidbits: File sharing program Napster was shut down. First iPod launched. Wikipedia went live.

2002. Im still living at home with my mum, but my girlfriend at the time moves in with us. Blimey that really worked out well. How we managed to all live together for 9 months is beyond me. My job role changed to a website graphics developer. Sounds awesome but I just basically fucked around with Paint programs.
Just as things hit boiling point at home, rather than breaking up... I decide to move out with her and get our own place.

Factual tidbit: President bush choked on a pretzel at the whitehouse and fainted.

2003. Living with my girlfriend, in our own place.... its fantastic! For about a month. Then I learned about Bills, and council tax. Food shopping. URGH. We were completely broke and pretty much lived on potatos and their various cooked/fried forms. Work promote me and as a result I get my very own company van! It's white, and I spent a week learning about how to be a White Van Man driver. I also started to play guitar this year.My 21st birthday was a surprise party, and so many friends were there. Had a really great time. Was only the day after when I found out I had paid for it all without my knowledge. FML

Factual tidbit: Xbox Live launched. Saddam Hussains statue torn down in the center of Baghdad.

2004 started off pretty shit. Me and the gf split up and we both moved back to our parents. After a brief attempt at making things work, it finished for good in April. I get back in touch with friends who I haven't seen properly for ages - and so begins possibly the best time of my life.  Getting smashed pretty much every week, having the greatest time, meeting lots of people. Driving to Newquay twice in a month was a highlight :) Bough my favourite car ever, Honda Civic Vti and drove around like a bastard all the time. Got into another relationship, but far more healthier than the previous.**ADDITION** Also saw cousin ZOE for the first time in about 10 years. Turns out shes actually pretty cool.

Factual tidbit: Massive Tsunamis strike indonesia.

2005 was more of the same. Great times with friends and the gf. Moved in with gf and my cousin Tony and his gf. My second time living with Tony - always a laugh, never any problems. The place we lived in was fucking rancid - but dirt dirt cheap. Eventually sold my pride and joy and then changed jobs and started working for Honda. New company car is a Automatic Honda Jazz. Things could only get better...

Factual tidbits: Youtube goes live. Crazy Frog ringtone advert gets censored from complaints that you could see the frogs penis.

2006 was a weird one. Work was good, didn't go out much though. Bought a Smart car with the money from the Civic, and was pleasantly surprised. Met all my friends from up Yorkshire way. Fantastic people, Ben, Vickeh, Sarah, Gemma, Nina etc ... Went on an all inclusive holiday to the Canary Islands, then had a massive bust up with the gf and we broke up. I move back into mums. AGAIN. Fuck sake.

Factual tidbit: Facebook blasted off. Zidane headbuts an Italien during the world cup.

2007 living with mum is actually ok. I sort out my stupid spending habits and crack on with earning money. Went to Amsterdam for a stag do, but was too chicken to smoke anything - so just tried some cake. LOL. Went out a lot again and had a lot of fun :D Turned 25 years old. Was emotional. I had champagne poured over me. I was so drunk at the time that I ran my fingers thru my drenched hair and then licked the excess champagne off my hands. Shameful.

Factual tidbit: Government announce a 2p cut in income tax. Maddie McCann is kidnapped.

2008 was the year of what if. Me and the ex thought that we had stopped a good thing, so decided to give it another shot. Moved into a really nice place - but it was quite expensive. Had a nice holiday in Tunisia, and a great house warming party. I tried to grow my hair long but I looked like a fucking twat. And I needed to loose weight, fast. Cousin Tony got proposed to and I was gonna be best man. Not best fat man. Things with the gf just wasnt to be, so I moved in with my work mate over Christmas.

Factual tidbit: Guy in America commits suicide live on webcam to thousands of viewers. Season finale?

2009 was pretty epic. Tonys secret stag do was one of the best weekends of my life. Their wedding was also fantastic. I need to get a copy of my best man speech. Everyone said I came across like I was gay. I laughed, and watched for myself. SHIT. I was totally fucking gay. No wonder I ended up in bed with JENKINS in the bridal suite. Dont worry - we had an erection barrier. Moved back in with mum AGAIN in march... I needed a place to go and she needed help - so it worked at the time. Had lots of good lads weekends, and work *WAS* going really well. Met a fantastic lady and looking forward to what it will bring :)

Factual tidbit: Michael Jackson died. Rage Against the Machine claim the music chart for Christmas no1.

OK... so that was my decade. From 17 to 27. Seeing it all written down like that - it looks good in places - but also kinda boring. I think I must of missed something out... honest!

Not just onions that make you cry..

Yeah. So onions are the only veg that can make you cry? WRONG. I threw a carrot in mums face. She's in tears.

I thought it would be best to get a quick blog post in before the year end, which is in about 10 hours time. Talk about leaving it til the last..... 10 hours? don't think that will quite catch on.

Christmas was better than last year. good presents, good food, some more good presents, more food. Bit of drink. More food. Slight indegestion. More food. Quick dump. Sleep.

K that kinda turned into a hour by hour breakdown rather than a re-cap.. but what the hell. Tis the season to be detailed.

OOH I've had Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 for like - ages now and I've ONLY JUST got into the multiplayer side of things. It is actually really good! (PSN ID: Pikari82)

So to wrap things up, just get some pretty paper, scissors and some selotape. Its really that simple.

Its obviously New Years Eve today - so if I remember anything about tonight, something will have gone seriously wrong. Can you pre-book ambulances these days?

Happy New Year people. Thanks for reading this year.

Look behind you!
Chris

Top 20 Ways To Annoy People In a Lift

1)CRACK open your bag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air
in there?”

2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting
off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open,
then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you
Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re
one of THEM” – and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when someone presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have
new socks on.”

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”

12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers: “This is my personal space.”

14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the
shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back
for more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a
while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”

18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then
scream: “That’s mine!”

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and
exits with the Passengers.

Thats all your getting tonight folks.

And don't worry, I'm planning on being more spontaneous in the future.

Free Thinking Cat Shits Outside the Box

Indeed.

This week has somewhat flown by. Had a top night out with Paramedic Dan (He's a Paramedic)(well in training)(well....) on Tuesday... followed by a good day out in Leicester shopping on Wednesday. However, that's when I started to develop this stupid cold I'm now nursing.

It's probably my own fault.. as I was out in the rain Tuesday night without adequate rain protection.

Also spent an evening at James' house playing Modern Warfare 2 on split screen co-op... which was awesome!

ANYWAY.. back on topic... thinking outside the box...

I'm bringing this up again, as I have thought this for a long period of time. I'm gonna talk about sexuality, and the powers of attraction.  (Somewhat my area of expertise)

DISCLAIMER: Following this is a portrayal of potencially offensive stereo typing and pigeon holing, mixed in with homophobia and racism. Please do not carry on reading if you are a retard.

It would be safe to say, that in this world.. we have heterosexuals, and we have homosexuals. I don't believe there is such a thing as Nosexuals (people who don't fancy anything).. so I'm just running with these 2. For the sake of my arguement sounding valid, forget the existence of bisexuals (or the correct pronunciation : greedy fuckers)

Hetro people fancy the opposite sex...
or

Hetro people fancy people who are hetro.. 

Homo's fancy people of the same sex..
or
Homo people fancy people who are homo.

Are you with me so far? good.

no? then read it again, fuck sake.

Anyways.. looking at my last point there, homo's fancying homos. Does this make it possible for a gay guy to fancy a gay woman? and vice versa? I think its totally possible. The only thing I can't get my head round is how they would, you know. Do it.

I mean, lesbians use dildos even though they chose chuff over wood.

So, potentially, there could be a 'strap on up the trumpet' scenario that's totally possible.

I think I need to stop thinking about this now. Please feel free to leave a comment, unless its something that disproves my theory.

Climate change is REAL

 
I reckon there's truth in this whole climate change, save the planet stuff. 4 Months ago it was really warm, and now its fucking freezing.

The Railway station for the town I live in is a complete joke. It looks like something out of the 1920's. There are 2 platforms, 1 of which contains a ticket office that is open 24/7.

When I say 24/7 I mean 24 minutes a day, 7 days a year.

If you ever travel from Melton to any other destination, you are pretty much guaranteed a bollocking from the train conductor as your supposed to buy before you get on the train etc etc.

The other platform has a few seats, and a few doors and windows which lead to.... absolutely nothing. Its literally a fake wall now. With fake doors and windows. Apparently there used to be waiting rooms there or something. Probably for people waiting for the fucking ticket office to open.

So, why am I talking about a train station? Well, it's because there was an article in the news today about Britains worst train stations, and mine wasn't on the list. So I got angry.

Speaking of 24/7, I was reading a story about the failed terrorist bombers that happened back on 21st July, or the 21/7 bombers. Someone made a point that they should of waited a few more days, til the 24th. That way, no matter the success of their operation, they would go on to be known as the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day everyday. And despite their actual lack of success, it would of made it at least seem like they were good at bombing.

I also read somewhere in a different story that a TA soldier 'blogged about not having enough equipment'. That made me laugh, how he can blog about that. Surely if he got into trouble, he could just post a twitter note 'John is being shot at. Help.'

Don't take that too seriously - I have the up most respect for everyone in the forces and they *should* have all the equipment they need to do the job they are sent out to do.

IN OTHER NEWS

Swindon is going to be the first town/city in the UK to get full 'free' Wi-Fi coverage.

I've used wi-fi a couple of times, like when I've been in a weatherspoons or something. Is this a good thing? I don't know. I guess from a security side it would be. Everytime I disable the security on my home router, someone tries to connect to it within minutes.

But would people cancel their internet subscriptions at home? If I got a decent Wi-Fi signal at home I wouldnt see the need to pay another company for a personal connection.

My mobile phone is due for renewal this month. I had contemplated jumping on the IPHONE bandwagon, but I just can't do that to myself. Apparently virus's are starting to infect some iphones aswell - although I did hear it was only cracked/unlocked phones that have been hit so far. lol@them.

Here's a good idea if you are going bowling soon, Its completely childish of course.

Next time you are typing your scoreboard name in, make it '3 Testicles'.

That way, at some point if you are half decent... you should get a screen message:

'Congratulations 3 Testicles, you got a Spare!'

Hmm, so yeah, that about wraps up one of my first blogs that is focused on my thoughts of a few news stories. Should I do this more or not? No I didn't think so.

I keep getting emails from a 'Bored Housewife' looking for some action. I've sent her a load ironing that I need doing. Should keep her quiet for a while.

Yep, so.... yeah. Looking forward to that. Sure.

After a rather chuckle worthy phone call earlier to a particular female relative, where I blatantly made my wanting to end the call a little to blatently, it got me thinking about other good ways to end a telephone call, with or without upsetting the other phone user, and also trying to see if I can make this sentence any harder to read, as I'm just using comma's, instead of full stops. Ah there it is.

After thinking about it for some time - I came to find that there isn't really many great ways.

Well, there might be, but I just can't think of many.

SO

Instead, I* decided to come up with some different ways to end emails. Other than the typical 'Regards,' etc.

*When I say I, I mean I'm copying what I've found elsewhere.


Regards,
Chris


Thanks,
Chris


Eat a bushel of penis,
Chris


Love and sphincters,
Chris


Remind me to gargle,
Chris


Fondling,
Chris


BOOOYYAAAA!


Everything above is a lie,
Chris


Conversation Terminated.


Stay Black,
Chris


The man, the myth, the legend.
Chris


Disregard that, I suck cocks,
Chris


In conclusion, girls are "icky".
Chris


May you bathe in the blood of your enemies,
Chris


No trees were harmed in the sending of this message, but several electrons were terribly inconvenienced.


Look behind you,
Chris


Love and other indoor sports,
Chris


Relentlessly,
Chris


There are some examples. Another great way to end an email, is to just end it mid sentance. Its really great because it makes you seem mysterious and people will always