Toilet Etiquette

So, a while back I told you guys I was planning on making a video blog set in some toilets.  It sounds pretty horrific, and quite frankly, it would of been. I still really want to make this video as I had some really great ideas of what to do, but I just don't have the time to do it :(


Anyways, the basis of the video was going to be about what the correct procedure is when going to the toilet. More so with what to do if the toilet is occupied. This all came about a few years ago when I worked for Honda. We had 2 toilets in the building, and both were available for employees or customers.

Now, picture the situation. Its a warm summers day. Its about 2 and a half hours after I've demolished a KFC lunch. Things are starting to rumble. So I (worry free) nip to the toilet to shed a few kilos.
After about 5-10 minutes I hear the receptionist tell a customer which way it is to the toilet I'm in. I start to panic. Did I lock the door properly? Its one of those locks that don't have a green or red sign, just a lever that you turn 45 degrees. I can't even reach it from where I'm sat. I hear footsteps getting closer and closer. In a  last ditch effort, I extend my right leg out as far as possible, in the hope that when the door opens, it will hit my leg and whoever is trying to interrupt my afternoon poop will realise the horrendous situation they have walked into. I'm not sure what will happen first, the door hitting my leg, or the smell hitting their face.

Much to my already high level of relief, the door as it happens was locked. THANK FUCK. Thank you sweet mother of baby Jesus.

However, now comes the next bit. They have already tried to open the door once.. and now they are trying again. What the fuck are they doing? Trying to break the door down? Do I say something? Cough? Let out a distinct but subtle fart? Make a splash?  Before my mind could pick something terrible to do, thankfully, a voice came from the other side of the door.

"Is somebody in there?" Came the voice. Erm, fucking... Yes. Of course there is. Do they think I came in here to die? Or did I come in here, have a massive toilet destroying shit, and my only means of escape was out the window? Yes there is somebody in here.  Or, as I put it "Yep".

What are you supposed to say in that situation? I've been on the other side of the door before and I've heard lots of different things like 'Occupied'.. 'Taken'... or sometimes a simple grunt, or cough. Or my favourite... "someones in here"... really??? Talking in the 3rd person now? Do they walk around narrating everything they are doing? What noise would you make in that situation? Or would you say something, or anything at all? I've spoken to some people about this. Some say that they wouldn't say anything, or make any noise at all. Just sit there in silence hoping they give up, and not come back with help to get the door open. That's pretty risky in my opinion. Some just cough, I think that's a good one. But that too can be risky. You don't want to force out a cough, then an unnecessary loud fart follows it up. That sure would get rid of anyone though. My good friend Dave Scuse who runs the Bulletproof blog.. he's got the answer. We came up with this a good while ago. The best thing to do, we think, is to state the type of toilet visit you are carrying out. So if you're ever in the situation I was in, and threre's a knock at the door, just shout TWOOOOOOOOOO!!

Anyway, unfortunately, this is not where this shit story ends.

So I'm sat there, pleased that in the end... I wasn't caught dropped trou having a poo by a customer. So I finish up my business and a few wipes later I'm back on my feet. It was one of those toilet visits that really punish your water bill, as after 2 flushes, it was far from looking clear.  It was one of those special occasions where you get to use the trusty bog brush, which in this case, I first had to knock against the side of the toilet bowl to get rid of a few stragglers from the last use. Nice.

A quick plunge and flush later, everythings looking peachy. But sadly, its not smelling that way, and we are shit out of air freshener. So, being the gentleman I am, I open the window slightly.

Now, I unlock the door, and there.. in front of me.. is the said customer who had tried to barge is way in, some 15 minutes earlier.  I stand there, horrified. I can't quite believe it. They've been there the whole time? Probably heard every toilet paper torn from the roll? Stood their ground and not moved while I struggled to drown my bowel movements over 3 separate flushes?

I can't even remember if I said anything to them. I hope I at least apologised.