Top 20 Ways To Annoy People In a Lift

1)CRACK open your bag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air
in there?”

2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting
off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open,
then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you
Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re
one of THEM” – and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when someone presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have
new socks on.”

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”

12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers: “This is my personal space.”

14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the
shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back
for more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a
while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”

18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then
scream: “That’s mine!”

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and
exits with the Passengers.

Thats all your getting tonight folks.

And don't worry, I'm planning on being more spontaneous in the future.

Free Thinking Cat Shits Outside the Box

Indeed.

This week has somewhat flown by. Had a top night out with Paramedic Dan (He's a Paramedic)(well in training)(well....) on Tuesday... followed by a good day out in Leicester shopping on Wednesday. However, that's when I started to develop this stupid cold I'm now nursing.

It's probably my own fault.. as I was out in the rain Tuesday night without adequate rain protection.

Also spent an evening at James' house playing Modern Warfare 2 on split screen co-op... which was awesome!

ANYWAY.. back on topic... thinking outside the box...

I'm bringing this up again, as I have thought this for a long period of time. I'm gonna talk about sexuality, and the powers of attraction.  (Somewhat my area of expertise)

DISCLAIMER: Following this is a portrayal of potencially offensive stereo typing and pigeon holing, mixed in with homophobia and racism. Please do not carry on reading if you are a retard.

It would be safe to say, that in this world.. we have heterosexuals, and we have homosexuals. I don't believe there is such a thing as Nosexuals (people who don't fancy anything).. so I'm just running with these 2. For the sake of my arguement sounding valid, forget the existence of bisexuals (or the correct pronunciation : greedy fuckers)

Hetro people fancy the opposite sex...
or

Hetro people fancy people who are hetro.. 

Homo's fancy people of the same sex..
or
Homo people fancy people who are homo.

Are you with me so far? good.

no? then read it again, fuck sake.

Anyways.. looking at my last point there, homo's fancying homos. Does this make it possible for a gay guy to fancy a gay woman? and vice versa? I think its totally possible. The only thing I can't get my head round is how they would, you know. Do it.

I mean, lesbians use dildos even though they chose chuff over wood.

So, potentially, there could be a 'strap on up the trumpet' scenario that's totally possible.

I think I need to stop thinking about this now. Please feel free to leave a comment, unless its something that disproves my theory.

Climate change is REAL

 
I reckon there's truth in this whole climate change, save the planet stuff. 4 Months ago it was really warm, and now its fucking freezing.

The Railway station for the town I live in is a complete joke. It looks like something out of the 1920's. There are 2 platforms, 1 of which contains a ticket office that is open 24/7.

When I say 24/7 I mean 24 minutes a day, 7 days a year.

If you ever travel from Melton to any other destination, you are pretty much guaranteed a bollocking from the train conductor as your supposed to buy before you get on the train etc etc.

The other platform has a few seats, and a few doors and windows which lead to.... absolutely nothing. Its literally a fake wall now. With fake doors and windows. Apparently there used to be waiting rooms there or something. Probably for people waiting for the fucking ticket office to open.

So, why am I talking about a train station? Well, it's because there was an article in the news today about Britains worst train stations, and mine wasn't on the list. So I got angry.

Speaking of 24/7, I was reading a story about the failed terrorist bombers that happened back on 21st July, or the 21/7 bombers. Someone made a point that they should of waited a few more days, til the 24th. That way, no matter the success of their operation, they would go on to be known as the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day everyday. And despite their actual lack of success, it would of made it at least seem like they were good at bombing.

I also read somewhere in a different story that a TA soldier 'blogged about not having enough equipment'. That made me laugh, how he can blog about that. Surely if he got into trouble, he could just post a twitter note 'John is being shot at. Help.'

Don't take that too seriously - I have the up most respect for everyone in the forces and they *should* have all the equipment they need to do the job they are sent out to do.

IN OTHER NEWS

Swindon is going to be the first town/city in the UK to get full 'free' Wi-Fi coverage.

I've used wi-fi a couple of times, like when I've been in a weatherspoons or something. Is this a good thing? I don't know. I guess from a security side it would be. Everytime I disable the security on my home router, someone tries to connect to it within minutes.

But would people cancel their internet subscriptions at home? If I got a decent Wi-Fi signal at home I wouldnt see the need to pay another company for a personal connection.

My mobile phone is due for renewal this month. I had contemplated jumping on the IPHONE bandwagon, but I just can't do that to myself. Apparently virus's are starting to infect some iphones aswell - although I did hear it was only cracked/unlocked phones that have been hit so far. lol@them.

Here's a good idea if you are going bowling soon, Its completely childish of course.

Next time you are typing your scoreboard name in, make it '3 Testicles'.

That way, at some point if you are half decent... you should get a screen message:

'Congratulations 3 Testicles, you got a Spare!'

Hmm, so yeah, that about wraps up one of my first blogs that is focused on my thoughts of a few news stories. Should I do this more or not? No I didn't think so.

I keep getting emails from a 'Bored Housewife' looking for some action. I've sent her a load ironing that I need doing. Should keep her quiet for a while.

Yep, so.... yeah. Looking forward to that. Sure.

After a rather chuckle worthy phone call earlier to a particular female relative, where I blatantly made my wanting to end the call a little to blatently, it got me thinking about other good ways to end a telephone call, with or without upsetting the other phone user, and also trying to see if I can make this sentence any harder to read, as I'm just using comma's, instead of full stops. Ah there it is.

After thinking about it for some time - I came to find that there isn't really many great ways.

Well, there might be, but I just can't think of many.

SO

Instead, I* decided to come up with some different ways to end emails. Other than the typical 'Regards,' etc.

*When I say I, I mean I'm copying what I've found elsewhere.


Regards,
Chris


Thanks,
Chris


Eat a bushel of penis,
Chris


Love and sphincters,
Chris


Remind me to gargle,
Chris


Fondling,
Chris


BOOOYYAAAA!


Everything above is a lie,
Chris


Conversation Terminated.


Stay Black,
Chris


The man, the myth, the legend.
Chris


Disregard that, I suck cocks,
Chris


In conclusion, girls are "icky".
Chris


May you bathe in the blood of your enemies,
Chris


No trees were harmed in the sending of this message, but several electrons were terribly inconvenienced.


Look behind you,
Chris


Love and other indoor sports,
Chris


Relentlessly,
Chris


There are some examples. Another great way to end an email, is to just end it mid sentance. Its really great because it makes you seem mysterious and people will always

Thats Levitation Homes...

So, I accidentally sent a picture of my penis to everyone in my address book. Not only was I completely horrified and embarrased, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

So went to see 'The Fourth Kind' last night.

I must admit I was kinda dissapointed. I saw the trailer and it looked like a really creepy scary film. However, all the freakish scenes had already been glimpsed at in the trailer. So every time a patient went under hypnosis, I kinda new what to expect. I had hoped that there was stuff I hadn't seen... but no.

There was one big Jump/Scare scene in the film, that did pretty much get the whole audience. I was sat next to Calum, and to say that it made him jump like a girl ... would be a crime.

Calum jumped, like a 23 year old male. As in - a 23 year old male who didn't go in to the film expecting to jump. I'm glad he wasn't holding any liquids in his hands, put it that way.

 ANYWAY... If you are wanting to go see something scary any time soon - skip this and don't bother with SAW four thousand and fifteen either.

Wait and go see Paranormal Activity, which is much better and creepier.

Anyways. Had a big takeaway the other night with my mum. Kinda ordered a bit too much - eyes too big for my belly like. And I tell you - I have big fucking eyes.
Soooo I finished half way through knowing I was full to the brim, and Mum being Mum said how it was such a waste, and starving kids in Africa would crawl over broken glass to have a meal like that.

Which gives me an idea for a new game show...

I posted this blog 3 weeks ago..

Fucking Royal Mail.

I havent posted for a while as I've been lucky enough to join up with a group of mates who were planning on backpacking through Europe for 6 weeks, so I havent been at a computer.

Ok, that was a lie, I just couldn't be fucked to post. Now please, it's nothing to do with you guys n gals who read this... I can just on occasion be really fucking lazy.

When I say on occasion I mean all the time.

Anyways, rather than just make excuses I ought to say something cool or funny.

The lady who lives next door is bulimic. She was being really noisy last night when I got home from work. I banged on the wall yelled to her to keep it down.

So, work wise, I had a great September. Plenty of cars sold, lots of money earned. October wasn't so busy but still good enough.

Helped pilot move into his new place in Ely, near Cambridge. So far had 1 mega night out over there, looking forward to many more.

Following on from my last blog, Final Destination 3D was shite, District 9 was ace. Avatar is looking lush and so is a film called 'Ninja Assassins'. Its about Ninjas.

Another readers letter..

.. but not one of my readers. I'm very glad I wasn't the initial recipient of this letter. Its quite long, but trust me. lolGOLD.

"When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my shit to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.

I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her ass (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you go in my mouth." I fuckin' love women.

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my cock out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my ass.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.

I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL shit, all over her parents comforter.


No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest shit and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.

And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.

I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin.

I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my shit had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I grab my shit with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest shit of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a shit and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY SHITT!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I shit on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me."

Been a while since I laughed that hard. Hope you all enjoyed that as much as I did.

Shit the bed.

No I'm not going to fucking explain why I havent posted for ages. Mind yer own bastard business.

I'm 27 on monday so get me a present.

Ummm. I have a girlfriend, she's really awesome but I'm keeping her to myself for now, not sharing her with you lot just yet.

I went to Alton Towers during my week off. OH YEAH BTW I had a week off?

Alton Towers was mint - stayed in York with Benji for a few days before and after. Always love going up there.

Jenks and Dan are moving back locally - ish. Gonna be good to have all my close mates within driving distance again!! Cant wait! Jenks is moving to near Cambridge - so looking forward to some early doors lash there.

I went to see Inglorious Basterds, was bloody brilliant. Literally - bloody.


Best Tarantino film I've seen since Pulp I'd say. Pulp, Dogs and this are the best. Awesome stuff.

Hopefully gonna catch the new Final Destination flick this weekend. Then District 9 sometime the week after. Watch them.

I've started to follow another blog aswell. Its good and funny. I say Hi to the writer of it now. Hi (",)

laterz